Heart Vacancy

Back to my room, working on the installation piece for my project. I'm not sure if I did the right undertaking - so far it's all rationalised in my head but then again, I'm always wary that what I think might be radically different from what others see. Another issue is that I have apparently ordered prints of too high a quality for my other project - I'm vigorously soaking, washing and scrubbing my prints but they're still picture-perfect. I know conceptually it's alright but visually I do not want it that way.

I just want to break out of this emphasis on how things look - sometimes I forget what I'm doing, so in the moment trying to make things look "right". I trust in my judgement of aesthetic, but I think my head is too small to think of both simultaneously.

Now that portfolio day is right around the corner I'm getting quite tense. What should I put into my portfolio? I have half a month more to sort everything out and prepare for interviews and stuff. All over again. So much pressure. But you know what? Part and parcel of uni life, once you start learning to ride it out it gets almost fun. The worrisome part is doubt - why am I studying this?

I do not like to tell people I'm an art student, as much as I love to tell people that. Is it ironic? It's not that I'm ashamed - on the contrary I cannot be more proud of believing in my subject with such conviction and passion. It's just that people inevitably ask the same things, "what art are you into?" - a question that requires a long answer. I am into the... entire study of art, for none can exist without the other forces? People think of me as either a rich kid who can afford this, or a craaaaaaazy girl with insaaaane ideas, or just another hipster who wants to fit in as much as she wants to stand out. And I am all, even as I am none of those stereotypes. I just refuse to fit into a mould.

Thinking of the different deadlines makes me want to crawl back into your bed and continue spooning into the chilly afternoon. I've never really fallen asleep while being held by anyone, but I can imagine getting used to it... but not now, I'm just getting started over here.