02

17 February.

We certainly met under odd circumstances, making me forget whether I wanted to be like you or vice versa. Currently my mind is still unchanged, though I'm really scared I'll give in at some point of time. I wish we hadn't done that. I'd hate to hurt anyone, and I know that once I start feeling things again that it would have to fall apart. I'm pessimistic, spoilt by circumstances, fresh, worrisome, paranoid, inexperienced and susceptible to so many things. I don't even know why the hell it adds up to anything at all. I want to tell you to find someone and leave me here where I belong. But I can't, because somewhere inside me I don't want to. I didn't realise there were so many things wrong with me, and it makes me sad. You make me happy, though I don't think I can do the same.

I always knew I was not made to take responsibility for myself, or to fall into a pattern, a system, a properly functioning friendship or relationship. I wonder if you can hope for that to change inside me.