Four days till the new year. Which mandates a period of mourning, as well as of quiet reflection. I know these words/actions sound expressly morose, but they are holding in such a bright burst of sunshine within me. 2011 has been a great year. I bade farewell to 2010 with salt in my heart rubbing up against the chasms I had created for myself. It was a terrible year, I know it now, that I'm as much to blame as anything ever was. I was silly, young, foolish, and quick.
I don't think I've grown older, you know. I think I've just done the one thing I never had the guts to do... I stopped caring. And no...! It's not a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing. It's so... amazingly uplifting and I've never felt my heart soar to the tunes of that winding song in my head. I'm really happy at the moment, so content, so mellow, like the notes I used to pull across the string of my instrument.
Can the year get any better? I have started school which I love so much, I've been able to listen to people prattle on without getting affected, I've seen so much since I arrived, I've become myself - not someone new, or different, but just comfortable in myself.
There are loose ends, of course - I will never be perfect, but I know it so deeply within me that so long as I am content, nobody's opinion should matter as much...! I still don't know if art is useful to society - but is it relevant? I know it is useful to me, I know it is what I want to drive myself to study, to indulge in, to do. I know it makes me happy, makes the people around me jealous but happy...
Another loose end is that of people. I have confessed, I know, I am aware, that I have not been a good person when it comes to maintaining these relationships. One day I'm sure I'll feel bad about it, but why now? I've spent so much of my life devoted to friends and making them happy, I think I deserve a break, and this suits me so well....
The one thing I wish I might have done is confessed to a certain number of things. Every year at this time I tell myself I should have just told some people how wonderful I find them, how enamoured I am. This year I've fallen in love with things more than people... but still. I wish they knew how much time I spend thinking of them, conjuring them up in my head.
I know nobody else will come close, but I can only hope, in my little sliver of a heart, that one day someone shall love me as much as I have come to love these physical objects and obsessions around me. That no matter how fucked up I get, there's constancy in affection. I know you do in return - it suits me fine that it is left unsaid. Better this way.
Do you know what I have been up to these three months? I can't possibly sum it all up for you. The sun sets and rises every day to the tempo of my whims and fancies. I control this, I hold the dainty little key that unlocks my head. I hear the cogs inside my mind settling and turning and humming the tune that I cannot recall. I feel love strongly more on the tips of my tongue than in my heart. I cannot get sick of saying "this suits me fine" because for once I'm not lying.
I don't need to get drunk to feel anything, I cut my hair now because I want to, not because I get tired of looking at the same me. I know that people spend so much time and effort "finding themselves" and I know that it is impossible. I want to cry, never because I'm sad, but because I can feel happy.
0 comments:
Post a Comment